See Hellboy Before Reading This

Not exactly spoilers ahead.  But kinda.

Just thinking about how much I was disappointed by Hellboy II makes me feel like a traitor.  The most brutal part of my unorganized negative commentary review would be this analysis: any randomly chosen four minute segment made sense and was good; any randomly chosen eight minute one was not.

Of particular offense was the Troll Market.  The tight streets and narrow winding alleys convinced me there was a ceiling on this sound stage.  It immediately brought to mind Diagon Alley and then dismissed it as quickly.

At one point I literally thought Perlman’s head was twice as big as his body.  Seriously I had problems with the make-up!

I have no idea why they were shooting at the tooth faeries with bullets in guns when in the just the previous scene we saw Liz expertly in control of her flames.  She was on fire near a kitten without toasting it.

The hand-drawn props and scenery that Mike puts in the books just did not translate to the movie format.

Oh well.

Sorry.

On Tobacco and Giants

I was hoping to veer out of the conversations The Driver and Olsen were having about sexuality, but all I could come up with was the front half of a convo about dipping Copenhagen.  If you thought I was talking out of my ass when covering homosexuality then you’d have been in for a treat with my snuff chat.

Here’s the gist of where that would have gone…

Olsen pulls out a can of Copenhagen and offers some to The Driver.  The Driver refuses on the grounds that it’s nasty.  An argument ensues about the use of Copenhagen.  At the end The Driver proclaims himself a Skoal man.

I just wasn’t sure that I could fake out the audience long enough to make it seem like The Driver was against tobacco use when really he just despised Copenhagen specifically.  As I understand it things can get pretty Coke and Pepsi between these two main tobacco brands.

That’s what I didn’t do.

Continueing in the vein of talking about things I haven’t written, won’t be writing, or would like to write but wont be writing right now, let’s talk about giants.

For some time now I’ve wanted to write about giants.  From my experience they are a staple of Fantasy that doesn’t see near enough airtime.  Maybe I’m reading the wrong stuff and you can point me to a whole sub-genre of Fantasy writing I have never run across–it’s entirely possible.  At this moment giants are rare for me.

As far as size goes, I never wanted mini-giants.  I never wanted to write about some guys that were just really big and for whom normal human doorways were a problem but not a complete hinderance.  I wanted to write about giants of a scale that made it troubling for them to enter the city.  So big they couldn’t fit down narrow streets or so big that even if they fit down the street–barely–they still incited riots in the populace.  All of which makes me concerned that I need an explanation for their size.

Most fantasy gets away with very little in the way of practical explanation for the improbable creatures and situations it creates.  As a reader this lack is not a problem.  As a writer I’d like to have a way to cover my ass with regards to such things though because I know that gravity and bone structure and heat dissipation and fluid dynamics all pose real and immediate problems for unbridled scaling.

You can’t have a monster ant, because chitin just doesn’t do that.  You can’t have a 12 story giant because he’d crush his own legs under his weight and he’d get really hot and I’m pretty sure he’d need a couple hearts to pump the blood around.

My explanation wasn’t going to be wildly along the lines of hard science fiction.  I mainly just planned to have magic support them and maybe some big heat dumping ears and an extra heart or two.  But mostly magic.

Once I overcame that high hurdle I immediately collapse with slender logic I could explore the troubles of a gang of questers including a giant in their group.

Gentle giants.  Dumb giants.  Angry giants.  Lone giants.  Misunderstood giants.

Day 257

Olsen’s Still Homophobic

The excuse part of my brain is working overtime.  STFU isn’t working so great, but I’ll keep trying.

“What is it with you people anyway?”  We’d been uncomfortably silent for several miles.  Me watching the road.  Olsen fiddling with his OSU cap.  I wasn’t paying attention.

“What?”

“What is it with you people anyway?”

“You people?”

“You people.  Your people.  F..gays.  Homos.  Whatever.”

“I’m not Jewish.  Or Mexican.  I don’t have people.  We aren’t ‘a people.'”

“Bullshit.”  Interesting–I thought he’d roll over on that one.  “Was that movie with Robin Williams real?”

“The Birdcage?”

“I don’t know.  The one with that anorexic chick.”

“Calista Flockhart.”

“Is she the anorexic one?”  Olsen throws a look at me that says, I’m trying to get to some other point.

“Calista is the one you think is anorexic.  She says she’s just thin.”

“Anyway was that shit real?  All the dressing up likewomen and shit?  And that fucked up butler guy?”

“It’s not real around here–too often.  And not like that.  But I guess it’s real enough for places like Miami.”

“Then you got people.”

Maybe he’s got me there.

These conversations seem to take different turns when the get out of my head.  They feel more burdened.  Less snappy.

“Seriously!  Don’t tell me shit like that.  I definitely don’t want to know you had a fucking crush on me when we were fucking Freshmen.  I don’t want to fucking know it.  I don’t want to fucking talk about.  And I don’t want to fucking know it.”  Olsen doesn’t even look at me to tell me.  It’s like he’s talking to the dashboard instead of me.  No eye contact will probably make this easier on both of us.

“Don’t worry about it Mark.”  Using his first name comes tough to my mind.  I called him Mark the whole year we were Freshmen.  It wasn’t until later–after–I started calling him Olsen like everyone else.  It’s hard to believe I have to calm him down.  I thought he’d laugh at that one off.  The next thing I say needs to come off as casually as I can make it because he needs to believe it’s true.  “Once I got to know you.  It wore off real quick.”

I make a show of checking my mirrors.

“Good, ’cause that fucking shit just ain’t gonna happen.”

Day 256